Scoliodentosaurophobia

Yesterday, we had an issue. 

You see, I have a phobia. It's silly.

Not quite like people on Jerry Springer who are terrified of toasters, but it's a little ridiculous. 

I have Scoliodentosaurophobia. 

You just think about that. Lizards. They paralyze me. 

I'm getting better. I don't want my children to be afraid of them. So I've been doing a little manning up over here. But hey. I'm not all the way there yet. 

Yesterday there was a lizard in my house. 

Do you understand? It was in my safe space. 

Notice the angle. I'm on top of the table. 

I'm not making this up. 

I cannot even almost write about this. 

I called K. Ready to ask him to turn around. Come home. Save my life. 

"I'm walking into a meeting, babe. You're gonna have to do it." Click. 

What. 

It's 10:15. I have a play date coming over at 10:30. 

This is not good. 

So I started the process. I grabbed the neighborhood directory and called every house that I knew had a teenage boy in it. This is logical, right? No one answered. WHAT THE. 

So I got every tupperware out thinking I could just trap him until K got home. 

But I couldn't get off the top of the table. 

And every time I threw a tupperware, I missed. Lizard ran. 

Jacob was pointing and getting close. 

"What's that mama?" 

"A lizard. Back up." 

Every time he got close the thing would run. I would scream. Profanities. 

"I'm scared mama. I'm scared."

"Oh, buddy. There's nothing to be scared of! It's just a little lizard we're trying to get out."

Then it runs.

Profanities. 

Chamblee is keeping her distance. She's no fool. 

She does not want to watch this mess. 

10:25. No teenage boys calling me back. Lizard still in my house. 

So. What's my next move?

My brand new neighbor that I don't even have his phone number. 

That's who. 

So I called his wife. Got his number. Called him. He thinks I'm crazy. 

Lizard caught.

But I can't get close enough to open the door.

So I'm yelling at Jake to do it. 

"Jake! Get the door buddy, quick!" 

He isn't doing it. 

So I do a little of that manning up I was talking about and open the door. 

Lizard tossed.

Lizard bit the neighbor. 

Now the fear is legit. Lizards bite. 

The End. 

Also, I am now going to be intense about keeping our patio doors shut. always. 

So much that we will probably never go outside again. Ever.

Just saying. 

Until Next Time, 

The Guff