Scoliodentosaurophobia

Yesterday, we had an issue. 

You see, I have a phobia. It's silly.

Not quite like people on Jerry Springer who are terrified of toasters, but it's a little ridiculous. 

I have Scoliodentosaurophobia. 

You just think about that. Lizards. They paralyze me. 

I'm getting better. I don't want my children to be afraid of them. So I've been doing a little manning up over here. But hey. I'm not all the way there yet. 

Yesterday there was a lizard in my house. 

Do you understand? It was in my safe space. 

Notice the angle. I'm on top of the table. 

I'm not making this up. 

I cannot even almost write about this. 

I called K. Ready to ask him to turn around. Come home. Save my life. 

"I'm walking into a meeting, babe. You're gonna have to do it." Click. 

What. 

It's 10:15. I have a play date coming over at 10:30. 

This is not good. 

So I started the process. I grabbed the neighborhood directory and called every house that I knew had a teenage boy in it. This is logical, right? No one answered. WHAT THE. 

So I got every tupperware out thinking I could just trap him until K got home. 

But I couldn't get off the top of the table. 

And every time I threw a tupperware, I missed. Lizard ran. 

Jacob was pointing and getting close. 

"What's that mama?" 

"A lizard. Back up." 

Every time he got close the thing would run. I would scream. Profanities. 

"I'm scared mama. I'm scared."

"Oh, buddy. There's nothing to be scared of! It's just a little lizard we're trying to get out."

Then it runs.

Profanities. 

Chamblee is keeping her distance. She's no fool. 

She does not want to watch this mess. 

10:25. No teenage boys calling me back. Lizard still in my house. 

So. What's my next move?

My brand new neighbor that I don't even have his phone number. 

That's who. 

So I called his wife. Got his number. Called him. He thinks I'm crazy. 

Lizard caught.

But I can't get close enough to open the door.

So I'm yelling at Jake to do it. 

"Jake! Get the door buddy, quick!" 

He isn't doing it. 

So I do a little of that manning up I was talking about and open the door. 

Lizard tossed.

Lizard bit the neighbor. 

Now the fear is legit. Lizards bite. 

The End. 

Also, I am now going to be intense about keeping our patio doors shut. always. 

So much that we will probably never go outside again. Ever.

Just saying. 

Until Next Time, 

The Guff

Wind in my Sails

There is a three cabin train toy in the hallway with thirty extra pieces all around it.
It's been there for four days.
I keep stepping over it.

But not before I take a picture.

There's a fire truck in the laundry room.
That's normal, but this one has dog food stuffed in it.
And all around it.
Jake tried to feed the dogs, and the truck was just a better option than their bowls.
Obviously.

There's PlayDoh Stuck to our sunroom floor.
Chamblee wanted to build Olaf.

(You know, this guy.)
I can't get it out of the grout.
I mean, I'm sure I could if I really had to.
But I don't.
So I pretend I don't see it.

I opened my calendar to check the schedule for the day.
It's the seventh.
No, can't be. 
Yesterday was the seventh.
No. It's today. 
So, everything I did yesterday was on the wrong day.
Awesomeness.

Happy (real) Birthday Lauren!

We sure miss you.

But hey guess what?

Josephine is about to crawl.
She's sitting up, y'all.
She's also eating real food (hates fruit, loves veggies) 
She's also the smiliest baby in the world.
And she has a lot to say about it.

Jake is talking in sentences.
He's using real words.
His hair is so curly.
And have you seen his dance moves? Oh my.

Bat Boy in Training

Chamblee is learning to write her letters.
She's so good at it. I'm so proud.
She is also the best big sister in the world.
But maybe not a softball player.

All by herself. 

I wish you could hear her say dominoes. 

She says, "Diamondoes"

my girl. 

She's also got her own style, and I dig it.

They are growing up and I'm just here to help. 

I know that everyone is different, and I know that this just might not apply to you. 

But I have said it before, and I am going to say it again. 

Because I know no different, and it's been one of the best things I have ever done, 

for me and for my kids. 

Get your kid a sibling, and quick. 

I'm working on my book. That's one of the reasons why I have been slim shady over here. I don't want to give all my good stories away. You know, the ones about me peeing myself in my kitchen and chasing solicitors barefoot down my street. Naked baby in hand. That's what you want to hear about, right? Good. Because I have a lot where that came from. And it's all true. When I tell my friends some of these stories, they say "The craziest stuff happens to you." Yes, yes it does. Crazy begets crazy, right? My feelings aren't hurt. I'm banana buckets full. of crazy. Word. 

Even with all of the crazy of 3 (almost) 3 and under, I'm getting some wind in my sails. I feel a little pep in my step because I can feel myself growing in certain areas. I'm not really having growing pains, but more like growing tickles. That sounded very strange. Growing... growing...tingles? No. Still bad. I'm just growing, ok? And it's not painful. It's wind. Wind in my sails.

I hope to be back soon. But I can't promise.
For now, I have brown marker to clean off the windows, thirty train pieces to clean up, and two dogs to feed. From bowls. I'm still not touching the PlayDoh. 

Until Next Time,
The Guff